1. Instead of judging each other, appreciate each other!
High desire partners often feel judged and misunderstood for wanting “too much sex” while lower desire partners often feel judged for “not caring about the physical needs of the relationship.” Neither of these things are true, and the judgement doesn't help!
Tip:
Identify ways that your partner's desire level actually HELPS your relationship. Share with them at least one thing you are grateful for in their approach to sex so they feel less judged and more understood.
Script:
To the higher desire partner: “I love that you bring energy and excitement into our sex life. I know I'm not always up for it, but you show me that you're still interested in my body and enjoying each other which helps our relationship stay vibrant. ”
To the lower desire partner: “I love that you are so honest when it comes to expressing your sexuality. I know that having sex can feel like a big deal sometimes, which makes me grateful that you are choosing to share yourself with me in those moments.”
2. Reframe your sexual goals; focus less on orgasm and more on shared connection.
When good sex is defined only as penetration or orgasm, both partners lose. In reality, sex can include so much more. If you are only focusing on one partner's need to finish, the other will likely feel that their personal desires are overlooked, which can make intimacy feel one-sided. By shifting the focus to a shared experience rather than orgasm as a goal, you make space for both partners to express what makes them feel most connected and appreciated.
Tip:
Ask each other to describe your ideal sexual encounter that doesn't involve penetration or orgasm. This will allow you both to better understand what makes your partner feel excited and give you ideas of things to incorporate more often so that both partner's look forward to sex rather than avoiding it.
Script:
To the higher desire partner: “I'm interested in exploring sex with you in a new way so that we both feel more excited. Do you think you could enjoy sexual time with me if it didn't end in orgasm every time? What would that look like and what do you think you'd like about it?”
To the lower desire partner: “I love having sex with you, but I want you to know it doesn't always have to end in orgasm or penetration. If you knew that wasn't always the goal, do you think you'd be more interested? Why or why not?”
