Knowing how to accept feedback from your partner changes everything

Y'all, I'm a therapist. Listening is my job. And today, my husband told me that he often feels like I'm not really listening to him. Gut punch. If I'm being honest though, I knew he was right. I knew exactly which moment he was thinking about from this morning that had reinforced those feelings for him. I had been aware of it while I was doing it (the not great listening thing) and yet I hadn't done anything differently. The truth is, it's a lot easier to do something really well when someone is paying you money to do it. But that's not the kind of energy I want to bring to my marriage. Believe it or not though, this email is not about my listening skills, it's about the response I had to being called out by my husband. I'm going to outline two possible internal responses, and let you pick which one you think I had in real life. 

Option 1: The only reason I wasn't listening is because he brought it up at a bad time. I don't need to engage in every single conversation on a deep level, it's not like I was rude about it, I just didn't engage that much. I can't force myself to be interested in something. I knew he was going to bring this up, of course he was going to resent me for it. I have so much going on in my brain all the time, thoughts that help us and our family, if he would take on more so I didn't have to worry about so much I would be a much better listener. 

Option 2: He's right, I have not been a super engaged listener lately. I haven't been paying close attention to what he's sharing or following up on things that he's told me. I know this has been bothering him for a little while and I'm glad we can finally talk about it. I would hate to be on his end of this, feeling like my partner didn't care or want to hear about my thoughts and things I was excited about. I hope I can make it up to him. 

Guess what. Nothing in the second response discredits anything in the first response. Both can be true. But response #1 is entirely defensive, and response #2 is entirely empathetic. 

The truth is, I had both reactions. But because I have a lot of experience working through defensiveness, I was able to breathe through response #1, take in the feedback without starting a fight or distancing myself from him, and respond externally with care, compassion, and a desire to know and understand more. I left my defensiveness by the back door and approached him with curiosity and love and gratitude for bringing this up, which led to a productive conversation and the ability to have a lovely rest of our day together. 

Today, ask your partner for some feedback, and be prepared to listen well.