How to go from passive to assertive communication
Nov 08, 2024Hey friend,
Are you a passive communicator disguising yourself as an altruist? Do you pride yourself on keeping the peace and frequently saying yes when, in reality, you're reaching burnout fast? Let's shift that and lead you to show up more authentically in your relationships.
Here are 5 tips to shift from communicating passively to communicating assertively in your relationships.
- Shift your mindset. Being assertive does not equal being mean! On the other hand, being passive and not expressing your true thoughts and desires can end up being more problematic and manipulative than straight-up expressing your truth. The first step toward becoming more assertive is to get comfortable with the idea that “I can be a nice, kind, peaceful person AND express my opinions and preferences honestly and openly." There is nothing mean about saying “I would not like to have sex tonight, can we do something else instead?" or “I'm frustrated that you didn't complete the task you committed to, can we talk about this?”
- Identify where you learned this behavior. Sometimes we think that we communicate in a certain way because it is the “right way” or because that is just who we are. In reality, with a little exploration, we often find that our communication style is an imitation or a defiant opposition of our caregivers. Once you've identified where your passiveness comes from, ask yourself: Did this communication style serve the person I learned it from? How did it make their life better or worse? Is their situation reflective of how I want my relationships to look? If they are still around, you can also ask them if they wish they communicated differently and why or why not. You'll learn a lot about yourself by exploring your past.
- Start taking initiative. Oftentimes passive communicators wait for opportunities to come to them, which puts them in the position of having to respond and react to someone else. In these situations, more often than not the passive person will make a choice that benefits the initiator in an attempt not to ruffle feathers or to “be chill.” To shift this dynamic, seek out opportunities to be the first one to plan and organize a social gathering, offer an opinion, or suggest a time and place to complete a task. The more initiative that you take, the less passive you'll feel. There will be growing pains as you build your confidence, but it will pay off in more authenticity and less silent resentment.
- Prepare for resistance. As you become less passive, some people will resist this change in you. They might say things like “Since when did you decide to speak up?” or “I'm not sure I like the new you." Rest assured that these responses are a reflection of them and their discomfort with learning to share power in a relationship. You deserve to have a voice and your voice matters. As you hold your ground (kindly!) the people who are interested in getting to know the real you will stick around and will be thrilled to have more insight into your true thoughts and opinions.
- Practice DEARMAN. DEARMAN is a communication script that teaches you how to be assertive, step by step. It was created as an intervention in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) but the principles apply perfectly to anyone trying to learn assertive communication. Google it and you'll find a template for how to apply it!
