When your partner makes it all about them, try this...
Nov 08, 2024Dear friend,
You've worked up the guts to tell your partner how you're really feeling. All you need is a little support and reassurance that they do care. But somehow, five minutes into the conversation, you're the one reassuring them, making them feel better, and your pain has been completely overshadowed by their emotions.
What is this about!?
Your partner likely lacks the skill of holding space for your feelings. Maybe they turn inward and self-protect, letting their shame and guilt override their ability to be empathetic. Or they might just be a bit self-centered (aren't we all?). This cycle is exhausting and often leads to resentment because you start bottling up your feelings without a healthy way to express them.
So, what can you do about it?
Before you share your feelings, remind your partner of the goal of the conversation. When they understand why you're coming to them, they're more likely to stay present and give you the support you need. Here are a few examples of how this can sound:
- “I could really use some reassurance right now. As I express my feelings, please remember that all I'm looking for is reassurance from you.”
- "I'm about to share some hard feelings with you, but I want you to know that the purpose of me sharing is to reach a solution. I don't want to dwell on what happened; I want us to talk about how we can approach things differently next time."
- “I need an apology in order to stop thinking about this. As you hear me out, please consider what you can apologize for—thank you, babe.”
Without understanding why you're sharing hard feelings, your partner is more likely to panic, assume they're in deep trouble, and respond defensively or selfishly.
Try this out and let me know how it goes!
