Using HUMOR the right way can help end your fights

Here we go again—round and round on this gorgeous, beautiful merry-go-round called LIFE, where we fight and make up and it’s all part of the cycle. BUT think of it more like an upward spiral... you’re still moving through the same patterns, but each time, you’re getting a little more ELEVATED.

Here’s what happened in my cycle this week:

(And in case you’re debating reading this story, what you’ll learn is how to get over yourself, how to use humor to make up after a fight, and how to save your date night—even when it starts off on the wrong foot.)

We were supposed to have an at-home date night. Sean’s turn to plan. We put the kids to bed, all was well, and the agreement was to meet downstairs around 8pm. At 8:01, I meandered downstairs and immediately started cleaning off our junk counter.

Why you may ask? Because earlier in the day I had seen an interior design video about how if you want to feel peaceful energy in your home, the first 10 feet by every entryway should be clutter free. So of course I decided that 8:02pm, the proposed date starting time, was the perfect time to begin my journey to keeping a peaceful home. 

Then, as Sean walked in to the room I proceeded to tell him that I had a genius idea for a mother's day video and to just record me for a second. He is fully supportive of recording my genius ideas, so he began recording, and then started to frown as I went into a three-minute tirade about how counters represent the mental load of motherhood and how cleaning them off is the best gift you can give your partner -- *mind you* the tone was intense and passionate (as my tone sometimes is), and Sean was visibly getting annoyed by the second.

Here’s what happened next. Sean expressed that he was very frustrated by this interaction and the video content, and I retorted that the message had nothing to do with him, it was a true and valuable message, and that there was no reason for him to take it personally. Neither of us mentioned the date we were supposed to be on. He left the room, walked outside, and started to switch out license plates (one of the many mental labor tasks I had mentioned in said video).

As I sat in the kitchen thinking:

"Of course he gets defensive when I bring up mental load."

"Why did he have to get to mad and ruin our date?"

"There wasn't even anything offensive in what I said!!"

all of a sudden it hit me. I WAS BEING A CLOWN. 

(FYI "clown" is not a word I typically use to describe myself or anyone else, it just came to me in the moment and upon reflecting back it must have been inspiration for my next action.)

Because in reality, here's what I had just done. I had hijacked date night and turned it into a personal crusade against unsupportive partners (which my husband is not one of), and then proceeded to dig my heels in and act like I was surprised that he was upset by this topic that was supposedly not personal — even though all of the examples I'd given in the video had been from our own counters. Not to mention, he had completed three of my jobs for me earlier in the day without complaining.

Yikes. 

Once it hit me, I knew I had to think fast. Our date night was either over before it started, or we could salvage it with a quick repair and sincere apology. I decided to try the humor route. Humor was just the tool I needed to break the tension quickly, open up the possibility of a healing conversation, and offer a reset before the night was too far gone. For the first time ever—but possibly not the last—I pulled out the markers.

WHY did this work? Drawing a silly mustache and writing clown on my face?
BECAUSEEEEEEE it was surprising enough to jolt his nervous system, self-deprecating enough for him to know I meant it, and silly enough that he couldn't look at me without laughing.

I offered a heartfelt apology, which he graciously accepted, and our date was SAVED.
(Although I was a little embarrassed when our neighbor drove by as we finished changing the license plate together and asked, “Does she know she has stuff on her face?” — as if Sean had pranked me while I was sleeping.)

Let’s get to the moral of the story, shall we?

How to get over yourself quickly:
Remember: RELATIONSHIP OVER RIGHT.
Do I still believe in the Mother's Day message I recorded? Absolutely. Was I able to recognize that, in the context of our relationship, my actions included horrible timing and a disregard for my husband's feelings in the moment? Also absolutely. Even if you’re right, the relationship matters more.

How to use humor effectively:
Humor must be accompanied by sincerity. If I had just drawn the mustache and written clown to lighten the moment, but hadn’t addressed how I’d been wrong or offered a sincere apology, the issue would’ve been swept under the rug instead of truly cleaned up. Don’t let things fester by masking them with humor—because then it’s just defensiveness in disguise. Accompany it with sincerity.

And here’s why you shouldn’t give up, even if something goes wrong at the beginning of a date:
Because after real repair, you can actually feel closer than you did before things went south. Instead of thinking in black and white—“This date night is either perfect or it’s a failure”—have an open mind. Be willing to be flexible and adjust your expectations. Make the most of the moments you do have, even when they’re messy.