Are you addicted to fighting?

Hey friend,
 

 

You might be thinking “absolutely not, that's awful!" but I want you to take a moment and really self-reflect. Arguing, bickering, fighting, yelling…all of these interactions effect our nervous system and brain. Whether we like it or not, many of these effects cause us to feel alive and passionate in the moment, which may be a feeling that we're otherwise missing from our mundane, everyday lives. Consciously or not, these biological effects keeps us repeating harmful communication patterns simply because they feel good, even if we hate ourselves for engaging in them. 

 

Truth be told - I've been bored lately. Sitting down at the kitchen table and having a calm conversation with my partner about something that is upsetting to one of us is not very entertaining. Sometimes I miss the days when I would raise my voice or slam a door, at least I was really conveying the depth of my feeling. Okay okay, truth be told again, I wouldn't trade in the current me for the past me. As boring as it may seem, to have the skills to dig deep and really listen to my partner, respond with empathy, ponder and come back to hard topics, all in a tone of voice that I'm not ashamed to use in front of my kids, is priceless. (And, no, I am not perfect at this!)

 

 

So here is my homework for you: embrace the boring. Embrace the calm. Begin to notice when you are getting escalated simply because it feels like a good release, versus when it is actually helpful. Instead, bring your passion and your energy to the positive side of your relationship, to expressing your love or to engaging with each other. Allow the thoughtful, reflective, less outwardly exciting part of you to show up in conflict so that you can find peace and resolve issues instead of getting stuck in a it feels so good to prove you wrong loop.