Better Intimacy Requires This Skill (It’s Not What You Think)

I’m going to go out on a limb here and overshare a little.

Here are real things I’ve done with my partner over the past ten years to keep our sex life from getting stagnant:

Fun or sexy underwear.
New lubes.
Toys and accessories.
Sex outside the bedroom.
Sexting and phone sex.
Romantic playlists.
Role play.
Dirty talk.
Open conversations about desire.
…and probably a few things I’m forgetting 🙃

So why am I telling you this?

Because sometimes you need permission from someone else.

You are allowed to try something new in your sex life.
You are allowed to explore your desires, your sensuality, your romantic side.

Why “Trying New Things” Only Goes So Far

A lot of couples get stuck in a rut.

Same routine.
Same timing.
Same position.
Every time.

And I want to be really transparent here.

Most of our sex is typical, vanilla, straightforward sex.

Those things I listed above?
They’re outliers.

But those outlier moments matter. They’re the intentional pauses where we slow down, get curious, and remind ourselves that this relationship is alive.

Those moments often carry couples through the more routine, disconnected weeks.

But here’s the part people often miss.

Great Sex Is Built on Emotional Safety

An expansive sex life is almost impossible without emotional safety.

Emotional intimacy is essential for satisfying sex in a long-term relationship. That’s true in my own life, and it’s especially true in my work as a couples therapist.

If you don’t feel safe being yourself with your partner, why would you want to undress in front of them?

If you don’t feel emotionally seen, physical closeness can start to feel vulnerable instead of connecting.

This is why novelty alone doesn’t fix intimacy issues.

The Skill That Actually Deepens Intimacy

The skill isn’t being adventurous.

It’s emotional attunement.

Feeling emotionally safe enough to be honest.
Feeling curious instead of defensive.
Feeling like your inner world matters to your partner.

When emotional safety grows, physical intimacy almost always follows.

Three Questions That Build Emotional Safety in Your Sex Life

If you want to deepen intimacy, start here.

1.

What do I do that makes you feel like you can be yourself around me?

And then do more of that.

2.

How could I show you that I’m more interested in how you’re doing emotionally?

And then do more of that.

3.

What would need to change about our sex life for it to feel more emotional and not just physical?

And then do more of that.

These questions aren’t about fixing anything.

They’re about understanding.

And understanding is what makes intimacy feel safe again.

A Simple Place to Start

If you want an easy, guided way to rebuild emotional and physical closeness, this is exactly why I created the Let’s Get Naked Challenge.

This 14-day challenge is for couples who want to feel closer:

• emotionally
  
  
• physically
  
  
• and in all the ways in between
  
  

Each day, you’ll get one short, simple prompt designed to help you:

• rebuild trust and connection
  
• create space for physical intimacy
  
• share what you actually want and need
  
• laugh, listen, and touch more often
  

It’s gentle, playful, and intentionally designed to make intimacy feel safer—not forced.

If you want to start reconnecting without pressure, you can join the Let’s Get Naked Challenge here.